sssssaturday

PS check my hair transformation in the past 72 hours. it's nutso!

Started with:





Ended with:

New to-do list

• decide on recipes for thanksgiving (which i am hosting this year, eep!)
• don't let other people's wintertime depression get me down
• organize hallway closet
• search for cheap tickets for berlin new years.
• be more adventurous with my outfits
• be honest with my intentions
• get a fucking job!
• get a job on fucking crapitol hill if at all possible!!!
• create playlist from my shuffle the past couple days (it's been good!)
• stop waking up so god damn early (woke up before 7 the past week)
• stop going to bed so fucking early!
  

living the lovely life

that thing with whitney sure didn´t last long. not sure all of you even knew it existed. i feel like a complete idiot for even giving that a chance. but honestly, fuck that shit i´m already over it :-)

wednesday night, went to a free concert claudius was putting on in lovelite. and blah blah blah i end up in the archway of an old church on rigaerstrasse, making out with a cute irish boy, after a 10 minute cab ride to wedding. spent all of the next day in bed together, holding hands, watching old movies with tony curtis, like the sweet smell of success. spent the next 3 days in bed together. so sweet it makes me sick. we sit on my roof deck in the morning after i make him breakfast that we eat in bed. drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. holding hands still, not saying anything. we both comment on how nice it feels to just BE with some one. no artificial fluff conversation necessary, "it´s like we´re some old couple that has been together for 50 years..." he says. i just smile and he kisses my check and takes another cigarette out of his pack of pall malls.

i´m happy right now.

i'm feeling totally and completely emotionally overwhelmed.

could really use some hugz right about now.

here's my list:

1. the first time i was ballsy enough to make the first move-it was some time in April, Mari and I had gone to Jonna's club opening near Ostkreuz. It was about 10 when we got there, we left, I ran into all the kids from the teehaus, we went back there and celebrated for Ronan's 25th. About 3am when Jonna got off work from behind the bar, she came and we danced together, drank mojitos together, and she was so beautiful that I kissed her for the first time on the dancefloor surrounded by sweaty Europeans.

2. the moment i stopped giving a fuck what other people think-this happened quite easily for me actually. I was majorly stressed out and having a panic attack of sorts, due to me not knowing if I was continueing school or not, where I was going, etc. During all this everyone kept offering up all this advice I had not asked for, like, I should just "stick it out" or "suck it up". Sorry, but if I am unhappy with my life I can't just suck it up. No way. Anyway, I was talking to my Dad about all of this, and he said to me, "You can only worry about yourself." That stuck with me and while, yes, you do sometimes have to worry about people other than yourself, your primary responsibility is to yourself alone.

3. all those perfect moments-sorry, but i have to lump these together. these moments include: being alone and smoking a joint while listening to that perfect song; surrounding myself with new, strange, unique people; when whatever i am cooking turns out more delicious than expected; watching the parking lot happenings behind my building; new lovers that i get along with so well; waking up at 8am, having a toke, then going back to sleep for another hour; and laughing fits that can't be stopped.

4. more being alone-going to a movie alone, going to discovery park alone, walking in the park alone, etc. You really do get a lot of valuable thinking done when your aren't crowded by other people's.

5. weirdos!-wandering the streets of berlin at 3am (that i know better than they did!), with two strangers, siblings, danes from copenhagen, after a night of american hip hop in scharni. that was a fun night.

5 happiest, most precious moments in your life time.

Go!

Re-read the list often.

how i spend my mornings

11:11

so glad to find out that my wish FINALLY came true.

Terrible times, followed by great ones.

Terrible ones:

• leaving Berlin
• missing jonna
• missing charlotte
• missing mari
• missing holly
• greg and sam being disappointing cunts (seriously, you have no idea)
• cleaning up their mess

Great ones:

• getting stoned with val
• acquaintances being more helpful and reliable than "real friends"
• getting settled into my new place
• browsing the home decor magazine section at barnes & noble (esp. the kitchen ones)
• anticipating a return to school, but with a new path this time
  
• shrimp on sale for $4 a pound at safeway
• hearing Ronan's voice again when we talk on skype
  
• buying a ticket back to Berlin in 3 weeks
  
• being stressed as fuck, but realizing things could be worse
• listening to music, while doing absolutely nothing else.

See, the good times definitely outweigh the shit ones. Life is pretty darn good.

jonna tells me about her dream...

"then there was a little thing i remember with which we played, it was a tiny ghost, a small glowing ball which was floating in the air and looked like the fireworks on your computer screen. it was not possible to touch it only with a spoon. we had to be careful not to destroy it..."

god damn i miss her.

oh berlin

i cannot imagine how much i will miss this place. i miss my home, but my heart hurts so bad when i think of leaving my adopted city.

crushes rule

i'm bored right now and my mind is thinking about all the people i've had crushes on in my lifetime. i did this once before with a friend and it felt completely liberating putting it all out there. many of these people, especially later in life crushes know how i felt/feel about them but the ones who don't mostly aren't in my life anymore. oh well, here's my list:

-robert jowers (elementary school-6th grade)
-ronnie (german guy, don't know his last name)
-monica chase (early 2009-present CURRENT)
-julia evans (some time during 2008, i forget)
-angela britt (dec 2007-forever probz)
-jonna (german hottie, mutual crush! don't know her last name yet CURRENT)
-tierney grace butler (couple years ago)
-kayla hudson (senior year of high school/crush reappeared in the past year)
-krissy rains (friend form high school, my first out friend)
-bessie sycip (moreso me thinking she is just super rad and amazingly adorable than a traditional "crush" i guess...but me and emie talked about this and if we had to marry one of our friends, she would be it)
-holly chernobyl (last year. while i no longer have those feelings for her, dammmmnnn that girl is and always will be fine as hell)
-nicci brown (a year ago or so)
-whitney knox (one of my closest friends, she's also just really hot)
-matisse fletcher (don't really have a crush, but just think she's hot)
-tobias friedli (also just really fucking hot)
-irene (my "first. amazing lady, beautiful, smart, talented, all of the above. i think i had just turned 19)

now i'm smiling thinking about all these people i have around me. all of whom are so wonderful.

Last night

Victoria has a new crush. She thinks I'm awesome too. She says, "I'll see you again SOON, won't I?" "Of course," I say. And I gave her my phone number.

Wish on those eyelashes for me!

images

a picture of me dressed up


a picture of me that is old, but one of my favorites


a picture of me and who i live with


a picture of me during the summer


a picture of me with a parent or two


a picture of me in my room


a picture of me very drunk


a picture of me on my birthday


a picture of me on my favorite holiday


the oldest picture i have of me in digital form


a picture of me in one of my favorite outfits


a picture of me making a funny face


a picture of me showing off a new haircut


a picture of me being my true self


a picture of a time in my life that i wish wasn't over


a picture of a time in my life that i am glad is over


a picture of me being ridiculous


a picture of me with my oldest friend(s)


a picture of me with my newest friend(s)


a picture of me that i didn't know was being taken


a picture of me when i was anything but happy, even if i was smiling and doing my best to hide it


a picture of myself that i like


a picture of myself with some one i love


a picture of me with a sibling (well, closest thing to it)


a picture of me with something i love


a picture of me living my life how i would like to live everyday


a picture of when my life was changing


a picture of me and one of my talents


a picture that makes my heart smile


a picture that makes my heart hurt

Times are a changin', that's for damn sure.

Because of a friend's recent post, I have been inspired to write today all about myself.

A couple people have recently brought it to my atenntion that yes, I have changed. For the better or worse who fucking knows. All I know is I have outgrown a lot of things. I have come to be confident in who I am and who I want to surround myself with. I know now more than ever that I am the happiest I have ever been. Not to say things can't go up from here, but I realize now that everything in my life happened to affect me in one way or another.

Those damn surveys everyone posts and I actually do read sometimes, they always ask you for your 'greatest regret' in life. Well, what if I don't have one?? I sure as fuck can't think of anything more significant than, 'Man I wish I had bought oranges at the market this morning...' to call a great regret of mine.

People are so worried about having those awkward conversations with people they care about. Well I am not afraid of those conversations because they do one of two things, 1. make friendships stronger, and longer, or 2. they help friendships to wither peacefully. I used to get so sad about the friendships I have lost or that were't nurtured enough to keep alive. It's ok though. I will always treasure the love for eachother that we have, or had at one point. People do change. I like to think it's a good thing.

Last night in the Pacific Northwest

I moved the rest of my shit out of the Winston yesterday. I thought I would cry or something, but I didn't feel any strange emotions about it. I mean, don't get me wrong I will miss it, but I guess I just have the frame of mind that I WILL come back to it soon enough. It's more the people that I miss already I guess...

Val, girl, you know how much I care. Remember way back before we even knew each other and I had your film reels for so long? I am really glad that I got to know you so much the past few months. You are a great neighbor and friend. I can't wait for you to come visit and meet sexy punks with me in Berlin, ride around on the U-Bahn at night for the fuck of it, and explore the city with me. It will be great. Thanks for always being there and available for talking/shmokez/and venting purposes. You rule, more than you know.

Lauren, neighbor. Sweet nayyyburrrr. I am really sad that I did not get an official goodbye with you, but how lucky are we internet fiends that we can chat online all ze time. So for that reason, I am not worried about missing you too hard because we'll probably talk to eachother quite a bit. Anyway, love you girl.

Sam. Sam. Sam. You are the best "room mate" one could ask for. Considerate, sweet, polite...wild and crazy, sometimes reckless. Keep being exactly who you are because you are a completely wonderful person who I look to for inspiration on so many things. I could go on forever but my mom is afraid of some April 1 virus and says I have to shut down the computer before midnight (paranoid...). I'll miss you Sam.

I am now finally finished packing. Smooth as buttah and got it down to two suitcases which I must tell you is an amazing feat of wonder! Bleh...tired now.

Last minute panics begin...

Oh lord, I had such a ridiculous night last night. So, I had t take Phoebe to the vet last month for her to get her rabies vacc. regiven and have a health certificate (in Deutsch) written up so she can come to Germany. I then had to go all the damn way to the USDA vet office in Olympia to get the forms endorsed and all that burreaucratic bullshit. I hadn't seen the papers (in a big white envelope) for a couple weeks and just realized, "shit I leave in 6 days!" and thought I'd better find it sooner rather than later. I tore my apartment and car apart looking for these papers and couldn't find them anywhere. I've put most everything in my place into storage anyway so there weren't many places for it to hide! I get a call from Angela and Chancellor who are downstairs at the Rose and I think I will have to go to uplift my spirits, but alas! I fucking found the papers, underneath a copy of the Stranger and an empty coffee cup, how Seattle. So instead of a horrible night, I went out and partied to celebrate my near miss.

Now I lay in bed making some last minute preparations while eating sour patch kids, mmm.

Met Holly for coffee in the U District this morning, and she told me about this time when Mari saw the East German dude wandering around Berlin at night on a full moon making Nazi-march...haha "Ze were-nazi!!"

booty

Victoria (myself) is srsly waiting up for some one at 3:41am who she srsly isn't even that into. Srsly?

Yes I am back.

I booked my flight to Berlin for April 1. I'm not excited to fly with a dog as I like to travel as lightly as possible, but once we get there things should be smoother. Things are coming together just as I had hoped they would. Found a flat and a language school.

I found my flat/flatmate on Craigslist (which I am obsessed with) and I can't wait to move in. Anne is 26, German and works in the film industry. My other flatmate Johnathan is I believe 32 or 34, English, and also works in movies. Anne says our flat has a private garden where we can grow vegetables this summer. I am very excited for this. Some of you may know that I tried to plant flowers in my flower box outside my bedroom window last March, thinking the frost was long since gone, then the NEXT DAY it snowed and my flowers never did sprout...

The next month is going to be very chaotic for me I predict. On Thursday, my friend from Couchsurfing (Abi) is playing a show with her band at the Comet that I said I would go to. Then on Saturday The Weekends are playing at the Rose, I don't remember who The Weekends are but I must have put that in my calendar because they're good enough for a listen! March 4 is Sam's 21st birthday so festivities are in order, then for his birthday/just for fun we are going to Portland the weekend of the 6th. Also to visit cutie Portland boys and party in their neck of the woods. March 9 is Alissia's 21st birthday, festivities to be held on Tuesday, March 10 at the Wld Rose's "Taco Tuesday"...we'll see haha. Not sure if camping in the Olympic Natonal Forest is going to happen before I leave, truly disappointed about that possibility. March 20, I fly to Chicago and then to LaSalle, IL to visit one of my oldest friends Kayla, whom I haven't seen in almost 2 years. And finally, I have to make sure everything is in line for Phoebe to fly! By the way, Sam and I were discussing this very thing the other day. The image of Phoebe flying, actually flying. The window was open and she was looking outside and we both commented on how comical it would be if she just flew out the window one day and it took us hours to get her to come down. Gave us a chuckle. Also! Mon amour Holly Chernobyl is returning to the Emerald City for 10 days in March!

My new favorite place.

What I miss about Berlin...

1. The "free" rides on the Suck-Bahn
2. Cheap beer
3. Cute punks!
4. Dive bars with gross bathrooms
5. Art on every square inch of the city
6. Faggotty forks to eat my fries
7. New music
8. Walking home alone at 8am after a wonderful night
   
9. Delicious vegan voku
10. No hills=bike riding heaven
11. Random, chance meetings with amazing people
12. Seeing these amazing people again, randomly
13. Forming friendships
14. Finding random Washingtonians
15. Sugar fix from the Ice Bar
16. Homey squats
17. Friends who check to see if I'm okay if I pass out on the bathroom floor
18. Appreciation for central heating
19. Only spending 12 Euros on so much food you can hardly carry it home.
20. Good public transportation
21. Everyone speaking AT LEAST 2 languages
22. Solidarity
23. Every day is different