here's my list:

1. the first time i was ballsy enough to make the first move-it was some time in April, Mari and I had gone to Jonna's club opening near Ostkreuz. It was about 10 when we got there, we left, I ran into all the kids from the teehaus, we went back there and celebrated for Ronan's 25th. About 3am when Jonna got off work from behind the bar, she came and we danced together, drank mojitos together, and she was so beautiful that I kissed her for the first time on the dancefloor surrounded by sweaty Europeans.

2. the moment i stopped giving a fuck what other people think-this happened quite easily for me actually. I was majorly stressed out and having a panic attack of sorts, due to me not knowing if I was continueing school or not, where I was going, etc. During all this everyone kept offering up all this advice I had not asked for, like, I should just "stick it out" or "suck it up". Sorry, but if I am unhappy with my life I can't just suck it up. No way. Anyway, I was talking to my Dad about all of this, and he said to me, "You can only worry about yourself." That stuck with me and while, yes, you do sometimes have to worry about people other than yourself, your primary responsibility is to yourself alone.

3. all those perfect moments-sorry, but i have to lump these together. these moments include: being alone and smoking a joint while listening to that perfect song; surrounding myself with new, strange, unique people; when whatever i am cooking turns out more delicious than expected; watching the parking lot happenings behind my building; new lovers that i get along with so well; waking up at 8am, having a toke, then going back to sleep for another hour; and laughing fits that can't be stopped.

4. more being alone-going to a movie alone, going to discovery park alone, walking in the park alone, etc. You really do get a lot of valuable thinking done when your aren't crowded by other people's.

5. weirdos!-wandering the streets of berlin at 3am (that i know better than they did!), with two strangers, siblings, danes from copenhagen, after a night of american hip hop in scharni. that was a fun night.

5 happiest, most precious moments in your life time.

Go!

Re-read the list often.

how i spend my mornings

11:11

so glad to find out that my wish FINALLY came true.

Terrible times, followed by great ones.

Terrible ones:

• leaving Berlin
• missing jonna
• missing charlotte
• missing mari
• missing holly
• greg and sam being disappointing cunts (seriously, you have no idea)
• cleaning up their mess

Great ones:

• getting stoned with val
• acquaintances being more helpful and reliable than "real friends"
• getting settled into my new place
• browsing the home decor magazine section at barnes & noble (esp. the kitchen ones)
• anticipating a return to school, but with a new path this time
  
• shrimp on sale for $4 a pound at safeway
• hearing Ronan's voice again when we talk on skype
  
• buying a ticket back to Berlin in 3 weeks
  
• being stressed as fuck, but realizing things could be worse
• listening to music, while doing absolutely nothing else.

See, the good times definitely outweigh the shit ones. Life is pretty darn good.

jonna tells me about her dream...

"then there was a little thing i remember with which we played, it was a tiny ghost, a small glowing ball which was floating in the air and looked like the fireworks on your computer screen. it was not possible to touch it only with a spoon. we had to be careful not to destroy it..."

god damn i miss her.

oh berlin

i cannot imagine how much i will miss this place. i miss my home, but my heart hurts so bad when i think of leaving my adopted city.