how do you find time to blog when you're in love?

Funny

It's funny how angry I got at you when you told me not to cry. Even in my most desperate moments when all I needed was your love and support, you would some how turn it around and make yourself the victim of my emotions, or at least my expression of emotion (tears). I fought you every time. Told you to fuck yourself if you thought I should really never cry. I told you how my dad told me that when I was a little kid and how I never got over that. You knew. Your maternal supports growing up told you being strong meant not crying and well, I know that is bullshit.

OK, onto the funny part. Now that I have had to recover my heart from this tragedy that you have bestowed on me (or perhaps I did it to myself, I ignored all the warnings) I have no need to cry anymore. ESPECIALLY over you. You are a worthless, lying, insensitive piece of shit. I hope you are ready for the karmic explosion that will surely befall you someday. I eagerly await the show.

Don't know how to feel

Step throat

i have it. and i have moved back into my own, place in the city. enjoying time spent with new lovers and friends, despite having been laid-off last week. i'm still optimistic about the world. i just need a new job...

the only shit part of my life right now is... missing this person.

Sunshine up my ass.

So much has gone down in the last 5 months, I can't really even begin to compute it all.

Back in Berlin, now Vienna, then back to Berlin again tomorrow. Today I opted to stay at the house rather than go with the kids to Beethoven's grave. Karaoke nights, Guitar Hero, old friends, free beer that puts that hipster swill back home to shame. Shit, I really can't get over how fucking amazing my life is. So amazing that I don't have time to update, ever :)

Yeah, even though there is so much shit, I am loving life.

sssssaturday

PS check my hair transformation in the past 72 hours. it's nutso!

Started with:





Ended with:

New to-do list

• decide on recipes for thanksgiving (which i am hosting this year, eep!)
• don't let other people's wintertime depression get me down
• organize hallway closet
• search for cheap tickets for berlin new years.
• be more adventurous with my outfits
• be honest with my intentions
• get a fucking job!
• get a job on fucking crapitol hill if at all possible!!!
• create playlist from my shuffle the past couple days (it's been good!)
• stop waking up so god damn early (woke up before 7 the past week)
• stop going to bed so fucking early!
  

living the lovely life

that thing with whitney sure didn´t last long. not sure all of you even knew it existed. i feel like a complete idiot for even giving that a chance. but honestly, fuck that shit i´m already over it :-)

wednesday night, went to a free concert claudius was putting on in lovelite. and blah blah blah i end up in the archway of an old church on rigaerstrasse, making out with a cute irish boy, after a 10 minute cab ride to wedding. spent all of the next day in bed together, holding hands, watching old movies with tony curtis, like the sweet smell of success. spent the next 3 days in bed together. so sweet it makes me sick. we sit on my roof deck in the morning after i make him breakfast that we eat in bed. drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. holding hands still, not saying anything. we both comment on how nice it feels to just BE with some one. no artificial fluff conversation necessary, "it´s like we´re some old couple that has been together for 50 years..." he says. i just smile and he kisses my check and takes another cigarette out of his pack of pall malls.

i´m happy right now.

i'm feeling totally and completely emotionally overwhelmed.

could really use some hugz right about now.

here's my list:

1. the first time i was ballsy enough to make the first move-it was some time in April, Mari and I had gone to Jonna's club opening near Ostkreuz. It was about 10 when we got there, we left, I ran into all the kids from the teehaus, we went back there and celebrated for Ronan's 25th. About 3am when Jonna got off work from behind the bar, she came and we danced together, drank mojitos together, and she was so beautiful that I kissed her for the first time on the dancefloor surrounded by sweaty Europeans.

2. the moment i stopped giving a fuck what other people think-this happened quite easily for me actually. I was majorly stressed out and having a panic attack of sorts, due to me not knowing if I was continueing school or not, where I was going, etc. During all this everyone kept offering up all this advice I had not asked for, like, I should just "stick it out" or "suck it up". Sorry, but if I am unhappy with my life I can't just suck it up. No way. Anyway, I was talking to my Dad about all of this, and he said to me, "You can only worry about yourself." That stuck with me and while, yes, you do sometimes have to worry about people other than yourself, your primary responsibility is to yourself alone.

3. all those perfect moments-sorry, but i have to lump these together. these moments include: being alone and smoking a joint while listening to that perfect song; surrounding myself with new, strange, unique people; when whatever i am cooking turns out more delicious than expected; watching the parking lot happenings behind my building; new lovers that i get along with so well; waking up at 8am, having a toke, then going back to sleep for another hour; and laughing fits that can't be stopped.

4. more being alone-going to a movie alone, going to discovery park alone, walking in the park alone, etc. You really do get a lot of valuable thinking done when your aren't crowded by other people's.

5. weirdos!-wandering the streets of berlin at 3am (that i know better than they did!), with two strangers, siblings, danes from copenhagen, after a night of american hip hop in scharni. that was a fun night.

5 happiest, most precious moments in your life time.

Go!

Re-read the list often.

how i spend my mornings

11:11

so glad to find out that my wish FINALLY came true.

Terrible times, followed by great ones.

Terrible ones:

• leaving Berlin
• missing jonna
• missing charlotte
• missing mari
• missing holly
• greg and sam being disappointing cunts (seriously, you have no idea)
• cleaning up their mess

Great ones:

• getting stoned with val
• acquaintances being more helpful and reliable than "real friends"
• getting settled into my new place
• browsing the home decor magazine section at barnes & noble (esp. the kitchen ones)
• anticipating a return to school, but with a new path this time
  
• shrimp on sale for $4 a pound at safeway
• hearing Ronan's voice again when we talk on skype
  
• buying a ticket back to Berlin in 3 weeks
  
• being stressed as fuck, but realizing things could be worse
• listening to music, while doing absolutely nothing else.

See, the good times definitely outweigh the shit ones. Life is pretty darn good.

jonna tells me about her dream...

"then there was a little thing i remember with which we played, it was a tiny ghost, a small glowing ball which was floating in the air and looked like the fireworks on your computer screen. it was not possible to touch it only with a spoon. we had to be careful not to destroy it..."

god damn i miss her.

oh berlin

i cannot imagine how much i will miss this place. i miss my home, but my heart hurts so bad when i think of leaving my adopted city.

crushes rule

i'm bored right now and my mind is thinking about all the people i've had crushes on in my lifetime. i did this once before with a friend and it felt completely liberating putting it all out there. many of these people, especially later in life crushes know how i felt/feel about them but the ones who don't mostly aren't in my life anymore. oh well, here's my list:

-robert jowers (elementary school-6th grade)
-ronnie (german guy, don't know his last name)
-monica chase (early 2009-present CURRENT)
-julia evans (some time during 2008, i forget)
-angela britt (dec 2007-forever probz)
-jonna (german hottie, mutual crush! don't know her last name yet CURRENT)
-tierney grace butler (couple years ago)
-kayla hudson (senior year of high school/crush reappeared in the past year)
-krissy rains (friend form high school, my first out friend)
-bessie sycip (moreso me thinking she is just super rad and amazingly adorable than a traditional "crush" i guess...but me and emie talked about this and if we had to marry one of our friends, she would be it)
-holly chernobyl (last year. while i no longer have those feelings for her, dammmmnnn that girl is and always will be fine as hell)
-nicci brown (a year ago or so)
-whitney knox (one of my closest friends, she's also just really hot)
-matisse fletcher (don't really have a crush, but just think she's hot)
-tobias friedli (also just really fucking hot)
-irene (my "first. amazing lady, beautiful, smart, talented, all of the above. i think i had just turned 19)

now i'm smiling thinking about all these people i have around me. all of whom are so wonderful.

Last night

Victoria has a new crush. She thinks I'm awesome too. She says, "I'll see you again SOON, won't I?" "Of course," I say. And I gave her my phone number.

Wish on those eyelashes for me!

images

a picture of me dressed up


a picture of me that is old, but one of my favorites


a picture of me and who i live with


a picture of me during the summer


a picture of me with a parent or two


a picture of me in my room


a picture of me very drunk


a picture of me on my birthday


a picture of me on my favorite holiday


the oldest picture i have of me in digital form


a picture of me in one of my favorite outfits


a picture of me making a funny face


a picture of me showing off a new haircut


a picture of me being my true self


a picture of a time in my life that i wish wasn't over


a picture of a time in my life that i am glad is over


a picture of me being ridiculous


a picture of me with my oldest friend(s)


a picture of me with my newest friend(s)


a picture of me that i didn't know was being taken


a picture of me when i was anything but happy, even if i was smiling and doing my best to hide it


a picture of myself that i like


a picture of myself with some one i love


a picture of me with a sibling (well, closest thing to it)


a picture of me with something i love


a picture of me living my life how i would like to live everyday


a picture of when my life was changing


a picture of me and one of my talents


a picture that makes my heart smile


a picture that makes my heart hurt